Monthly Archives: November 2011

Kids, Happiness, and Taylor Swift

I want to be young.  I want to be in love.  I want a wife that I can’t wait to see.  We tend to want things we can never have – at least I do.  

 As I tolerate my way through life, I hope happiness for my kids.  Kids are happy when they have friends.  I have noticed at about the age of 10 or 11, my kids have begun to drift apart from their childhood friends.   With two parents who were nerdy and dateless through adolescence, genetics is apparently catching up with them.  Their peers developing girly figures and learning about the world in their own ways.  Our girls being largely isolated from pop culture and the signals it sends.

 The tenth birthday of daughter 2 was approaching.  She had been exhibiting signs of middle child syndrome – “Marcia Marcia Marcia”.  So, without mother approval, dad scores some tickets to the ultimate pre-teen experience – The Taylor Swift concert.  Oh yeah, for one night we were up there with the cool kids – and on a school night at that. 

 I pretended to be the reluctant chaperone who didn’t want to be there.  Of course by the time of the show the other week it was me who knew the words to Teardrops on My Guitar and a few others.  I didn’t want to embarrass them, but of course I couldn’t resist, they caught me singing along anyway.  My favorite part, aside from seeing the kids experience the excitement, was when she played an acoustic set with a song called Never Grow Up.  The lyrics really hit home.

 Sometimes I still get to act like a kid – at least when I can hide behind the cover of some pre-teen daughters.  As for the girls – they had a good time, but their thing is still going to be being the band nerd or reciting pi to the 142nd digit (yes the older one can do that).





Following the big 3-way tryst:

 College:  College invited me over to her place a couple times but I never went.  She wanted something longer term.  Something I didn’t have to give.  Though I felt lust for her, I realized I wasn’t infatuated with her for whatever reason.   She would be fine.  She moved on without any drama.  

 Spouse:  Spouse enjoyed her experience but was not keen to bring it up.  I asked if she felt like she liked girls better than guys.  She admitted she has flaws but the only thing she made clear is we wouldn’t be doing anything like that again.  Her mood improved when she announced she was pregnant again – yes from the forbidden event.   She doesn’t use birth control and her ‘available’ days are a couple windows per month that we missed that fateful night. Being the ultimate Catholic, two kids really weren’t enough for her anyway.  It was enough for me, but now I have a third girl.  All in all, a pretty cool kid was the result of a very risky gambit.  I never believed in fate; but I wonder.

Going For It

To sum up where we are:  I got married without a lot of spark (out of loneliness, obligation or whatever).  I had gotten close to a super sexy African American college girl.  At the same time, I suspected my churchie spouse had a deeply buried passion for girls.  With more of a ‘shoot the moon – go for it’ attitude than I used to have, I have been fantasizing about getting the three of us together.  Not only would that allow me new hot sex without cheating (defined that way since spouse would be there; I also have a liberal definition of cheating – I actually thought Clinton made sense when he questioned the meaning of the word ‘is’), but also because spouse would be there I would hopefully bypass my self-diagnosed cockfright which is my inability to perform sexually with an unfamiliar partner, no matter how hot she may be.

 Spouse agreed with me that we needed to live a little and should have friends of all ages. College girl was going to meet us for dinner.  She was going to bring someone but ended up coming alone.  We went to one of those Japanese places where they cook right at your table.  Pretty entertaining.  College had a magnetism that was obvious; even the other people at our grill who we didn’t know felt like best friends before the end of the evening.  She draws everybody in.  Spouse and College actually got along quite well.  Spouse knew something about the dancing College did and College had a broad knowledge of music that they discussed.  I sensed spouse liked her.  A fun evening ended and we parted ways. 

 Two weeks later, with the end of finals as the occasion, College came over for dinner.   As the evening wore on and the kids were in bed we drank margueritas on the deck and listened to music.  Fortunately spouse had an up to date knowledge of music.   After several drinks. I leaned to the left and kissed spouse on the lips.  She was tipsy and ready. 

 I briefly kissed college and then held both their hands as we made our way to the bedroom.  Spouse unzipped me.  Her familiar touch and I could tell that I was responding where it counted – big relief.  College joined in – their aggressive use of mouths and lips punctuated by their intermittent kissing each other was too much to take in.  We next had colleges shirt off and spouse and I each had our lips and tongue on a breast.  I rubbed my stick against the young hard body but spouse intercepted and guided me into her.  I came before I wanted to but it didn’t matter, I wasn’t going to wear down easily this night.  I remember college taking off her pants; I was shocked to see that she was completely shaven.  Spouse dove in there without hesitating with fingers and then tongue.  College was fully into it; I was aggressively exploring her unfamiliar breasts, her mouth and pretty much anything else I could access with my tongue.  After some resistance, spouse gave in and let me enter college; though with the directive not to come inside her.  She got on top of me.  We both wanted it.  I came; though I managed to hide it from spouse who was busy kissing on the young hard dark body.

What To Do

Laying in bed with spouse, I told her about the flirting at work.  That it just happened and was largely harmless.  As the years of marriage ticked by, I was becoming a little bolder about proposing or stating over the top ideas.  Once scared to death of her, I was now pushing the envelope.  More willing to take a chance with her  outrage and the possibility of her flying off the handle.  I introduced and talked through – in fantasy terms – the thought of having college girl in our bed.  Of us both sucking and kissing and having our way with her young hard dark super sexy body.   She participated in this game.  Perhaps there was a streak of naughty in the church girl.  I also wondered for not the first time if deep down she didn’t kind of prefer girls.

 Things had settled back to normal with college girl.  Flirting and stuff.  Getting a bit more physical with lap sitting and such.  I never took her up on offers to visit her apartment.  Either out of a fear of the idea of cheating or a fear that I would go down that road and be confined by my inherent sexual nervousness and embarrass myself with a spectacular non-performance; I still am not sure which.  I could talk about anything with her.  She was quite forward and would  talk about sex with me.   I told her how I wanted her to come home with me and meet spouse.  To watch us have sex; maybe join in.  She was lukewarm on this; but I was pretty sure I could at-least get her to come meet spouse and have drinks with us some evening.  My mind was working, scheming, calculating.  I was processing plans in my mind.

College Girl

About five years ago I was working in a fairly small office of about 10 people.  There was an administration desk with a woman in charge who would hire college students basically to do her job for her.  In life, there are workers and there are managers and she wanted to be the latter.   I was getting to know one of the college girls.  Not that I was trying but through casual comments and brief conversations that became more and more comfortable.  Somehow it evolved to me giving her a hard time, insulting her, making fun of her, belittling her future – though always in a playful way.  She seemed to thrive on this kind of interaction and would give it right back to me and then some.  In my late 30’s with 5 and 7 year old daughters, had I finally stumbled upon the secret to girls?  Was this really the way girls wanted to be treated – like shit? 

 Jackie was a black girl; somewhat light skinned with wavy dark hair as though maybe there was some mixed race in her background.  She had an incredible 20 year old body that attracted attention, – rock hard, athletic, and curvy all at the same time.  She acted white, her friends were white, I think she thought of herself as white.  I had never so much as fantasized about an African American girl.  Maybe this is why I wasn’t overcome with my usual fear of girls. 

 I ran into her outside of work at the pickup volleyball courts.  She was with a big group but I ended up working with her and teaching her to play doubles with me.  She was in some sort of performing dance club and invited me to come watch on a few occasions.  I never did. 

 She got me using instant messaging on my computer at work and we communicated in this way – sometimes for hours on end.  No subject was off limits; anything that came to mind was shared.  This was a new experience for me.  Then, out of the blue, came the IM that paralyzed me:  “I Love You”.  No explanations, no prelude.  Why?  How was I supposed to respond to that?  I froze up and shut down.  No snappy comebacks or witty retorts.  This isn’t the way it worked, I was always the one falling in love with college girls, not the other way around.  She later explained that she thought she was IMing her mom.  Was this true?  I was really confused now.  This wasn’t over yet.