I spend lots of hours in church each year. Even if I try I can’t pay attention – I probably have undiagnosed ADD. I’m also not a big fan of rituals.
10 things I think about in church
- What I’m going to do the rest of the day.
- Hair Ties are Sexy.
- Daydreaming about going back to being 15 and living my life over knowing what I know now. I think about this a lot. I really want to learn how to time travel.
- Who are all these people showing up to church on Christmas? They think there in on the eternal life deal only coming twice a year? No fair! I want that deal.
- The bible readings are not very compelling. How do people get so into them.
- It’s really not genetically possible that all people were descended from Adam and Eve. I guess this is what theologians are for; to come up with explanations for implausible teachings. I would mention this when my five year old starts asking about Adam and Eve at the dinner table; except I chicken out from conflict and definitely don’t want conflict in front of the kids.
- If Jesus comes back like we believe, won’t he be mistaken for a fraud? If the news showed someone claiming to be Jesus we’d laugh at him.
- Why does an omnipresent god need to make his existence such a mystery? If it’s to test us, is it fair to the people who aren’t raised in faith or are raised in the wrong faith?
- It’s a good thing god has eternal life planned for us. If that wasn’t part of the deal Christianity would have died out long ago. The muslims tried to one up other religions by offering lots of hot young babes to the deceased. Good strategy. No chance of that religion fading.
- If I was way more magnetic, I would start a religion. I would offer the good stuff from the other religions and throw in church services that are over within 30 minutes or less and no church on Christmas. It would be a special present from Jesus – take my birthday off. All the emphasis on the poor in the bible is getting in the way and costing people money. I think there would be a big demand for a denomination that emphasized self-sufficiency instead. We would direct the needy to other churches or the government.
It’s a good thing I’m a good catholic.